My heart hurts right now. I did not think I’d be in this position.
Let me back up for a second. The first 3 weeks of YWAM DTS have been truly amazing. It’s been challenging too but it’s also been great. I’ve learned a lot. Though I must confess, I’ve been arrogant over the first week. I felt that I knew what they were teaching, how could I possibly learn anything new?
Sensing the arrogance, I stopped myself and asked God to break me (A dangerous prayer). I needed to be humble.
A few weeks later, at the end of October/beginning of November, I got one of the worst calls of my life and my biggest fear was realized. My dad was in the hospital and my family wasn’t sure if he was going to make it. This was something that came into my mind the first week I started YWAM. My school leader share his experience in YWAM, a similar story to mine, and I remember thinking, “Oh God, please don’t let that be me.”
Now, I knew when I said yes to God in joining YWAM, this was a strong possibility. My dad got sick a lot over the past two years with hospital visits and there was a downturn in his health. For those who don’t know, about 11 years ago, my dad was diagnosed with congestive heart failure (CHF). For nine of those 11 years, you would have never known. He was a champion. The only thing he really changed was no added salt and he started to walk daily. In those years, our relationship grew and he really became a rock in my life. In the two years leading up to now, I saw him grow weaker and thinner as he entered end-stage CHF. I subconsciously knew that he wasn’t going to be here for much longer. But I was in denial thinking that he’ll be fine or that he would be miraculously healed. It wasn’t until I came back home for Thanksgiving Break that I saw the reality.
In between the time I received the first phone call and Thanksgiving Break, I prayed for healing. I didn’t go back home. God told me not to. I was to stay. That was a time of mourning and heartache. I learned so much. God poured so much into my open heart and mind. My arrogance was no more.
Even though I asked not to, I became that person. The person with a serious family emergency that had to go home a day earlier. I’m still home helping my mom and family during this time. It is THE hardest time of my life. Watching a parent die is heartbreaking. There is no other words. And the grief is heart-wrenching and it comes at random times.
I’ve essentially become broken.
I don’t know why God allowed the timing of this to happen, but He did. And I have clung to Him so hard. There are times where old habits try to pop up and I’ve tripped a few times, but God is still my solid foundation. I can always rely on Him when my world’s been crashing down. There are times where I feel happy. Even though watching dad slowly fade away is heartbreaking, there’s also an undeniable peace. God is in the midst of this, watching over my dad and my family. His presence is strong in the hospice room and I feel like it’s a Holy place when I come in. It’s a special time in a believer’s life, for both the dying and the living. My dad gets to be the first one in the family to see Jesus. He’ll be in a place where his disease will no longer exist, no sadness or pain exist in Heaven. He’ll have his new body and he’ll be in the presence of God forever. It’s incomprehensible.
The grief and pain is still there. It still hurts. But I’m also rejoicing. Praise God! Thank You that this isn’t the end.
The race is almost over in his life and my dad is almost to the finish line but the reality is that this is just the beginning.